I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize