I could make wine with my vomit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize