Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
