i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize