we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The struggles of a small town man whore
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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