When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
