he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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