I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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