GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
