How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
