When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
