We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
