Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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