I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
