Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Welp...herpes.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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