Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
