Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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