Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize