Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
