The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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