your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
