I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
