I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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