guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
