So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
