Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
