Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
