At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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