I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
