I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize