this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
