I love black thongs
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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