I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
