You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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