Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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