drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
