a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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