you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
