if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
