Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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