I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
