i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
