Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
