On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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