i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
