I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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