it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
