Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
