i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
