The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
