Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
