I haven't been this sober since birth.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
