You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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