Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
