apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
