All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
