Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
