I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
