my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
