You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
