Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
