Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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