good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
