I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
