she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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