I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize