apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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