he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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