Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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