I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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